Decisions...?

Note: I've decided this blog will include simple ramblings about art, if I can't create a blog entry that makes any sense.

How many times have I put pencil to page, but never pen?

I always fear the stroke of the ink, dark and permanent, will ruin what I have worked so hard to create.

My fear keeps me from going farther, though.

Maybe a tracing, simple and quick, will work?

Maybe I need a finer utensil?

Maybe I'm just silly.

It's just paper, just lines scribbled and scrawled.

But still, I fear. I have worked maybe a few minutes on a piece, it's simply a doodle. Yet, despite its simple, useless status, I cannot bring myself to destroy it. Or risk its destruction, rather.

I keep all my artwork, no matter how hideous, no matter how moronic.

I keep them. Maybe it's because I want to look back years from now and see my improvement.

Maybe... It's because I don't want these little pieces, little expressions, of myself to be lost. I've been pouring my heart little by little into these scraps of paper. On these worn, yellowed pages, smeared with graphite, I look upon a mirror or the past.

"A happy girl, in a happy world, with a happy life!" is scrawled upon one. Was I upset, depressed, distraught? That day, what did I feel? Obviously not happiness, not when this drawing was brought to physical reality.

"Sometimes... Sometimes I wish I knew why I cried..." The words are scribbled upon a different page. This one I remember. I wanted so greatly to make this one pop; it was part of a story I was writing. But again, the ink is a fear. I didn't want to destroy it.

My talent with ink has not improved at all over the years, due to its disuse.

But I cannot bring myself to slaughter countless souls, watch their paper edges bleed through to black as they are ruined. I just can't.

Maybe someday I'll grow a thick shell, and watch heartlessly as my pencil strokes are blotted out with smeared blackness forever by my own hand. Maybe someday these things of my creation will gleam beautifully in their freshly inked glory.

Maybe... Someday...?